I got up yesterday feeling a little off though I couldn’t really put my finger on what it was. I did my usual morning routine of meditation and my workout and after getting ready for my day, I sat down for my first coaching call of the day.
The call went great but I was keenly aware that something was notably off about my energy.
After the call, I decided to take my dog for a walk by the water because I figured if I connected with nature and especially the water element, that would really help.
As I walked down to the beach I began to realize that it was exactly one year ago today (this was written on March 6th) that I got to see my dad alive for the last time.
The last memory I have of him is so sweet it brings tears to my eyes and a smile on my face every time I think about it.
My brother and I were with our dad in my brother’s home office drinking Scotch (yes I drink Scotch) and I wanted to share a stand-up show with the two of them that had made me laugh so hard I could hardly breathe. We were all standing in his office as I cued up the show to the bit that had me in stitches (it was about the comedian’s experience with our TSA so as you can imagine with all my travel I found it hilarious). The picture in my mind is of the two most important men in my life (and also my two favorite human beings) and I laughing our asses off. My dad was always a pretty quiet guy so to hear him laugh out loud and with such gusto was such a treat.
I wanted to bottle that moment up. I wanted to stitch it into my heart forever because it was so precious. I didn’t realize at the time just how much. We watched a little more and then decided we would all call it a night. I remember hugging my dad and saying goodbye because he was leaving in the morning earlier than I was so I wasn’t going to see him before he took off.
You don’t realize just how important goodbyes really are until you have lost someone dear to you. Every day, I wish that I had hugged him a little longer. That I had told him I love him one more time. I would honestly give anything to go back and relive that moment again. It’s not that I have regrets at all just a longing to hold my dad again.
It was exactly one week later that he passed away from a heart attack. Funny and I don’t know why but I didn’t get to talk to him again despite the fact that usually, we talked on a daily basis.
I guess that last sweet memory is what I was meant to be left with.
I thought about all of this as I took my pup to the spot where I officially said goodbye to my dad this past December around the time of my birthday.
I had a group of friends with me as I wrote his name on a piece of paper, which I burned and scattered in the wind at the top of this bluff overlooking the ocean near my house. I would often go up there and talk to him on the phone when he was alive so it seemed like the right place for me to set him free. In my mind, a part of him is still there on that bluff and so I sat there with him yesterday and I cried.
I didn’t fight it. I didn’t resist, I just cried because it was what felt right. I knew it wasn’t baggage but simply appropriate sadness that needed to be expressed.
And when I was done crying, I sat quietly for a while just feeling the breeze. I associate my dad with the air element because I remember the day I got to see his body at the funeral home, I came out, sat down outside and was so aware of this beautiful gentle breeze that caressed my face as I did Ho’oponopono with him. I feel him in the breeze all the time now. So yesterday as I sat there, after being with him for a while, I decided I would do Ho’oponopono with him again.
This ancient Hawaiian practice of forgiveness is the thing that has made grieving his loss and healing from it so much easier.
I don’t know where I would be without all the techniques that we teach and practice at The Empowerment Partnership and this one is the one that has helped me the most in this process.
I have the honor of teaching it to our students at our next Practitioner training and I do so with so much reverence because it saved my life.
My teacher and mentor Dr. Matt James wrote a beautiful book about it and it was actually his thesis when he got his Ph.D. in health psychology. So not only do we know it works because it has been around for thousands of years, but now there is research to back it up as well.
There are 3 different ways to use it.
- To be free of baggage with someone that has wronged you
- To strengthen a bond with someone that you still have a relationship with
- To say goodbye to someone who has passed away so you can disconnect from the vessel and allow the memory of them to live on in your mind and heart.
We teach it at our training and if you want to learn more or read the book, click here.
As I write this I am on a plane to Miami which was where I was at, our practitioner training, last year when I got the news of my father’s death. Anniversaries of these kinds of events are never easy and I also know that I go into this time with fondness, peace, and nothing but love in my heart for my dad.
I think he would be proud of the work I do and I carry him with me in my heart every time I get up on that stage or get on a call with a client. He was a teacher and as I follow in his footsteps I hope to honor him and do him proud.
I love you daddy.
From my loving heart to all of yours,
With Aloha,
Pegah
I’ve been on your email list for a long time, but usually, your messages get lost amid my junk mail. Today I am on vacation and found your post. Something drew me to reading the rest of your story. Thank you. What a wonderful tribute to your father and beautiful Hawaiian practice! I look forward to reading more and hope that you are well! You were always my favorite teacher at CPY!
I’m so glad you were able to read it! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment! So great to hear from you 🙂 Aloha!